Question by Dark A: How can I keep my relationship anxiety from ruining my life?
Hey there everyone, for the longest time I’ve been a very controlling, persistent and jealous person. I get so furious at my girlfriend even for things she didn’t do. For example, I’ll tell you the current situation. She’s away and I’m going to be moving down to her city in about two weeks. I don’t allow her to talk to guys, or have any male friends (and yes I know this is wrong and irrational. I’ve established that). The problem is jealousy is usually due to low self-esteem but it’s the opposite in this scenario. I have ridiculously high self-esteem. The problem is even thinking of being lied to or betrayed in some way is debilitating and as pathetic as it is I can’t control it. I’m always angry and upset at things that haven’t even happened. Here’s an example, this guy was being a douche so she sent him a message basically telling him he’s garbage and needs to die, etc. Now, since he’s friend with one of my girlfriend’s female friends he says to my girlfriend’s friend that he wants to chat with her and naturally my girlfriend tells her friend to tell him to go **** himself and that that’s never going to happen, etc. Thing is, this makes me so angry and I think about, “What if she did talk to him to try to resolve the conflict and just isn’t telling me?” It’s a stupid thought and I know it’s not true for many reasons.

I don’t really feel like going into the reasons now but I know she didn’t. The problem is I’m always angry, stressed and furious and it’s impacting everything in my life. I can’t focus on work, I sometimes don’t go in because I’ll yell at coworkers, supervisors and just do a terrible job because the entire day I’m ****** off. Anyway, I know I’m screwed up but has anyone experienced the same thing, or does anyone have any advice to help me out.

I’m going to list a few useless pieces of advice just to let you know beforehand.
“You just have to trust her!” It’s nothing to do with trust. I know she’s not doing anything behind my back but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from entering my mind.

“Talk to her about it” This doesn’t work because I have talked to her about it but she just assures me that she’s not lying and dismisses the entire thing like it doesn’t matter, and this does nothing to help me at all.

“Get therapy” This is also a pointless measure and it doesn’t even mean anything. I don’t need to talk to anyone about what’s bothering me.

“Figure out what’s causing the jealousy” I could literally list about 200 different instances where my trust was betrayed by a past girlfriend, my parents were controlling, etc.

This relationship is the best relationship I’ve ever had but this jealousy, anger, controlling behavior is resulting in my life basically falling apart. I’m to the point where I’m so sick of it all. I sometimes debate whether it’s best for me to simply end things and be miserable but lose all the jealousy. I don’t want to, but no one on this planet seems to have any idea what I can do to fix this. Anyway, this will probably be the last time I’m going to post this question. I’ve met with psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, therapists, etc. Nothing has worked, and it’s getting worse….
Also I didn’t mention this before but I’m a 21 year old male and she’s a 20 year old female. I’ve been dating her for 4 years and she constantly reassures me of her feelings for me, but I’m too much of an idiot to accept it.

Best answer:

Answer by Kathy Miller
well ok I will give it a try: first of all you have to be the controller of your thoughts, and you have to change them one step at a time…in other words, when these thoughts come into your mind, watch them as you are watching yourself watch them..separate yourself from your thoughts…all kinds of thoughts come into our minds, it is when you give them a home that they start running your life, so each time you reject them, the stronger you will be next time, until they are no longer a habit. distract yourself, think about something else…and don’t give them another thought. Playing basketball or any sport that you use your arm muscles will help vent your feelings of anger. I was waking up in the morning and this thought would come into my mind…I don’t want to live…and done that for a long time, I decided it was irrational, it wasn’t a choice, and it needed to stop…and it did! for 3 days so far it has not appeared. read a New Earth by Edkhart Tolle…he talks about pain bodies, they are like emotional entities that attach themselves to you, and cause physical or mental pain…and he tells you how to stop them…you say…I know you are a pain body…and because I know that you have to go away….I am wondering what kind of pain bodies your girlfriend is carrying around…because they can leach off not only the person that carries them, but others who are close to them…so it would be good if she also read the book, to deal with her pain bodies.I really believe that Eckhart Tolle’s book can really help you…and it also tells you how to protect yourself from other peoples pain bodies. It explains how these pain bodies lash out at others..like what you are experiencing at work…spreading pain…to others…and how irrational they are. Also, Pathways to Mastership, by jonathan parker, Quantum Quests, leads you though some guided meditations to address any issues you have

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